The day I discovered that my husband stepped out of our marriage and slept with a prostitute was a devastating day for me. I couldn’t breathe. I felt my lungs falling to take in the air. Tears were welling up in my eyes. “It shouldn’t be.” “He can’t do this to me,” I said to myself.
Lord, please don’t let this be true; I prayed further. As I kept scrolling through his phone, more incriminating evidence of his infidelity popped up.
The pain and betrayal were unmatched, but I had to put on my big girl panties and face it head-on; the choices and decisions afterward had to be made. So, anyone going through such at the moment, you’re not alone; cry if you have, but it gets better in the end.
Why did my husband sleep with a prostitute?
As much as there is no excuse in the world to justify such betrayal, it doesn’t excuse the fact that there is always a reason people act the way they do; the same goes for your husband.
While in the fix, I asked my husband what could have pushed him to seek pleasure from a sex worker. Wasn’t I good enough for him? Or was it one of his kinks I wasn’t aware of?
Holding my heart in my hands, I listened.
Here are his reasons and other possible causes:
Hygiene
He struggled to form words but successfully said something: I lacked proper hygiene. My privates had this peculiar scent that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me because he feared I might take it the other way. I no longer smell the way I used to while courting, and this repulsed him and any thought of being intimate with me.
He tried to manage for a while, but it got worse over time, and when he suggested a hospital visit for a medical checkup, this was his way of helping, but I was adamant that I was good and there was no need to waste time and money.
Little did I know, I was destroying my home; I got lost in the idea of being married and forgot the little things that should have been a priority, such as cleaning after myself, which is more beneficial to my health and well-being.
Lack of participation
He further told me that my lack of participation in the bedroom ticked him off in the worst way. That I’m no longer exciting—sex with me feels more like a chore and an obligation he needs to fulfill. I lay in the bedroom like a wood and sometimes fell asleep in the process of it.
When he tried to make it exciting by getting toys and costumes for role play, I kicked against it faster than he brought it up. I made him feel like a villain in his home.
I got so consumed with the idea of being a pillow princess that I forgot it takes two to tango. A moan, a thrust of the hip, a flick of the wrist—whatever movement and sound was highly encouraged.
Weird fetish
He went ahead to explain his desire to explore; the idea of sleeping with a stranger without emotions feeds his adrenaline.
He tried to manage it by mentioning it once if it’s something I would love to try with him. Picking up a prostitute and participating in a threesome together to further deepen our bonds.
He believed it wouldn’t have been tagged cheating if we had done it together. I was left in serious confusion because this side of him was hidden from me during courtship.
Maybe I would have thought hard and long before walking the aisle if I could accept or simply ignore this part of him.
Lack of Attraction
With this, frustration crept in; he couldn’t get himself to feel the same way he did for me at the beginning.
He felt trapped; the attraction that brought us together was no longer there. Each time he brought up the idea of therapy, which he felt we needed at that moment, I wasn’t willing.
I was self-consumed and wasn’t ready to think about anyone but myself. I didn’t notice his struggles even when he tried reaching out to me.
Lack of discipline
In my research to know what might push my husband further to sleep with a prostitute, I found out that if a man lacks discipline and self-control, no matter how good he is as a person, he won’t be able to control himself when he is horny.
At that point, he is thinking with his dick and not his brain, and anyone in a skirt, whether she is a prostitute or not, doesn’t matter.
In cases like this, we might not always be the reason but the culprits who have refused to work on themselves.
Peer pressure
Sometimes, a wrong circle of friends could influence such actions. The desire for these men to act like the stereotypical alpha male that can’t be tamed by one woman to please their friends and ego.
To see themselves as a prize that shouldn’t be held accountable, and women should thereby accept whatever they dish out.
They are made to believe men are polygamous, but as much as there is no emotion involved, hence the prostitute, it shouldn’t be called infidelity.
Should I forgive my husband for sleeping with a prostitute?
If all reasons are weighed and remorse is shown, I see no reason why you shouldn’t forgive your husband for sleeping with a prostitute.
After the big talk with my husband, I saw my involvement in his actions; I knew I had to do better by being attentive and moving ahead with him.
He didn’t put it on display and act like a complete ass; he reached out when he could, but I wasn’t truly listening.
If somehow your husband sounds like mine, you could agree within yourself that you had a part in this, and professional help could soften the blow and help you overcome this phase of yours.
However, if he shows no remorse and doesn’t deem it fit to hold a proper conversation with you regarding his actions. This clearly shows he holds no regard for you or your feelings, and forgiving such a person would enable him the more.
This action might become a norm in your relationship, thereby destroying you in the process.
What changed within me?
Forgiveness being crucial isn’t the only step needed in this phase; changes you might not necessarily be in charge of might start to surface. The way you perceive your marriage will not be the same.
The idea of going through the same route might pop in to get back at him is completely normal. This is a way your brain is trying to process the pain from his betrayal; maybe if you do the same, he might understand.
This is where I was at some point; I despised my husband for not fighting for us and giving in to his desires. As much as we were on the journey of healing, I could not stand being around him.
I despised myself for not being enough for him; I became too self-conscious over little details, thereby pushing him further than he already was.
I forgave but never let go of the hurt, causing greater issues in our home; the trust was broken, I became paranoid, and I was always on the edge when he stepped out for an errand or work. Our home became toxic.
I imagined speaking to other men to get back at him, almost creating a dating account to cheat back.
I was on an assignment to do better, look and smell better, and forgot the act of true intimacy and bonding. This further caused a strain in our relationship because I was no longer true to myself.
How did I overcome it?
On the verge of self-destruction, I knew I had to get a hold of myself. I needed to let go completely if I truly wanted this marriage to work.
Here are the necessary steps I took to overcome this:
Couples counseling
Seeking professional help made me understand my anger. It was okay to feel that way at that moment, but dwelling on it was the problem. Forgiving and letting go must work hand in hand to rebuild past connections.
Acknowledging my part
Accepting I played a part in his action helped me in the journey of our healing. I stopped blaming him for everything and worked on how I contributed.
I worked on my shortcomings, went for a medical check-up to handle the offensive odor he spoke about, took proper care of my hygiene and appearance, participated in our lovemaking, and got involved in role-playing; oddly, I found it very exciting.
Start anew
Focusing on rebuilding broken trust, reminding myself of what we had and still have when doubt creeps in.
Going back to where we first started and rekindling the lost attraction between us played a huge role in our recovery.
Final thoughts
As much as cheating with a prostitute isn’t ideal, you can forgive your husband if he shows absolute remorse and is ready to put in the work—with the aid of counseling.
However, if he lacks moral character, there is no chance he might change in the future; therefore, forgiving may cause him to do a lot worse.
